A friend and I were talking recently about what are the most important things that make a marriage work. Obviously, the big ones were there — communication, respect, love, shared values, six-pack abs (kidding!) — but what about the small things that make a difference in a marriage?
The small things are the acts that we perform to show our love and devotion in an everyday way. Maybe they are the things you do to maintain your relationship. Or, maybe they are the things you do when you are struggling in your relationship and need to remind your spouse and yourself why you’re together.
Regardless of the why, the how is what gets many people. While she and I both agreed that flowers and nice things are great, they aren’t always practical (for those of us who live in yoga pants, jewelry doesn’t always go) and lose their magic if given too often. Grand gestures have their place, but if you and your spouse are only doing things for each other a couple of times a year, the other 363 days can seem a little lonely.
So, what are the small things that make a big difference in your marriage? Here are 20 suggestions to start with!
- Eat together. Even if the time is inconvenient for one of you, make the effort to share a meal and conversation.
- Keep the house clean. Women are normally better at this than men (though not always), but making your house a home, inviting and warm, makes it a place he wants to come home to — and you, too!
- Touch base throughout the day. Quick texts, calls, emails, DMs. Whatever gives you the chance to be present in each other’s lives, even when it’s not physically possible.
- Compliment each other. Hearing nice things feels good, and hearing them from the person you married feels even better.
- Have an inside joke. Secrets build intimacy, which is why we aren’t supposed to have them with other men (or in his case, women). But sharing something silly just between the two of you is a way to foster your connection.
- Speak well of him to the kids. Never bad-mouth your spouse to your kids because it will alter the way they see you and him. It will also affect how they see marriage, and involve them in adult situations that they are not old enough or mature enough to understand.
- Pray for him. Whether your spouse shares your faith or not, God is always listening. Lift up your spouse in prayer and ask for God to watch over and guide him.
- Say something nice about him to a friend. Don’t tear down your spouse on girls’ night, speak well of him. It does great things for your heart and theirs, and if it gets back to your husband, he’ll be doubly complimented by your kind words.
- Send a sexy pic. Nowadays, this can be dangerous as hacking is a real threat, even to regular folks. So don’t go nuts. But a dressing room shot of you in a dress you’d never buy, or blowing a kiss in one of his t-shirts is sexy without being trashy. Ladies, we should all know the difference by now.
Always kiss each other hi and bye. Even a peck and hug if the kids are hanging on your legs is enough to make you both know that the one leaving will be missed and the one returning is welcome. Throw in something a little steamier when the little ones are distracted.- Have a date night/alone time. Regularly spending some time relaxing together can make a huge difference in your marriage and how you relate to each other.
- Pick up something for him while you’re out. Grabbing something for him, even if it’s as small as his favorite candy bar, says that you were thinking of him even when he wasn’t around.
- Listen. We are all guilty of talking too much, especially in comparison to men. So, make an effort to stop and listen when he talks, even if it’s about some technical detail from work or engine torque. We like to be listened to, and so do our husbands.
- Share a hobby. Even if you’re only passing wrenches or hitting golf balls 30 yards, it’s the togetherness that matters. Just like you play tea party with your daughter, you’re doing it for the connection, not your personal entertainment value. And, hey, you never know, you might be good at it and start to like it.
- Ask his opinion. Doing this gives him the chance to solve a problem and be your hero. Who doesn’t want that?
- Do the laundry. It may seem mundane, but that fresh-smelling shirt he’s wearing all day is an olfactory reminder of how you take care of him. And, husbands, if you do the laundry, that means that we aren’t doing the laundry —thank you!
- Don’t nag about something that won’t change. Nagging almost never works, and if you’re putting your effort into something that won’t change (i.e. his love of cars, his ill-mannered best friend, or how he bites his nails), you’re only being negative. Let the little things go and save your energy for something that matters. And go straight for a real talk, no haranguing.
Make his favorite foods. Everyone has to eat, so making your dinner plan one of his favorites isn’t difficult and makes him feel loved. Doesn’t it feel nice to have someone do something for the sole purpose of making you happy?- Thank him. If he works hard to pay the mortgage, thank him. If he washes the dishes, thank him. If he holds the door for you, thank him. Saying thank you reminds you both that caring comes in many forms and should always be appreciated.
- Pamper him in small ways. Massages after work, DVR-ing a playoff game he’ll miss, letting him sleep in when the kids are up early — these are just small things you can slip into your day that will make a big difference in your marriage.
Now, these are mostly from the female perspective, but they are in no way only for wives. A marriage is made up of two people, and both of their actions matter. So, feel free to share this with your hubby to give him some ideas on how he can up his husband game. Together, you can both create the happy marriage that you promised each other at the altar.
Did I miss any of the “small things” that make a big difference in your marriage? Please, share! I’d love to hear about them in the comments below.
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