Have you ever had someone say to you, “You are dealing with such and such so well, how do you do it?”
To which you reply, “I’ve accepted it/ I’ve moved on/ I’m okay with it.” Or something else along those lines.
But have you really accepted it? Or have you just become apathetic toward it?
I know, apathy. I’m shaking loose one of those SAT words that we all thought we’d put behind us. But fear not, there will not be a quiz at the end of this post. Instead, I’ll give you the cheat sheet right here. Apathy is the absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement. It’s being indifferent to a person or situation. And it’s what happens when we tell ourselves lies about accepting that person or situation.
Most, if not all, of us want to be accepting. Not only because acceptance means a lack of conflict and confrontation, but also because acceptance is seen as the end of the rainbow. Of the five stages of grief, acceptance is the fifth and last of them. So if you can just get to that last stage, ahh, then things will be okay.
But in our rush to get to that last step, we mistake apathy for true acceptance. How can you tell? Because the former is a suppression of emotion, which means it often is still there, festering under the surface where you have stuffed it so you can “move on.” But when that situation or that person comes to your attention, all that simmering feeling comes bubbling back up.
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Have you ever had that happen? You thought everything was going great and you were okay with that situation at work/home/your book club. And then the next thing you know, your heart is beating too fast, your adrenaline is rushing, and you are in as much pain as when the wound was fresh. You’re wondering, what just happened here?!
I know how this feels because I’ve gone through it, too. Many times. I hate conflict and prefer to move past things as quickly as possible. Because if you let me dwell, I will bring a sleeping bag and enough rations to get me through a long winter as I dwell and dwell and dwell. Better to just say my piece and move on.
Except, (a) rarely does anyone let you say your “piece” because long monologues are only for Aaron Sorkin characters (if you haven’t seen the West Wing yet, please finger march your way over to Netflix ASAP). And (b) in the rush to move past the pain and anger, we dive past the actual dealing with of the situation or person so we can feel, or pretend to feel, okay. Sound familiar?
I’ve heard it said that nothing kills a marriage faster than apathy. And I think this applies to a lot of areas of our lives, from our friendships, to our children, to our families, to our colleagues. When you deaden your emotions and cut them out, rather than process them in a healthy way, you are letting a wound go untreated, leaving it vulnerable to infection and allowing it to get bigger and more painful.
So how do you move from apathy to acceptance?
- Think about the situation or person that is affecting you. Do you feel peaceful and okay with it/them, or do you feel yourself getting worked up over it?
- If you are feeling emotional, stop trying to pretend that you are not. The brave face, the “keep calm and carry on” attitude is not going to serve you here and now.
- As much as you may not want to (and I’m right there with you), you need to confront the situation or person and work toward a solution, compromise, or apology- whatever you are needing that, before, you weren’t getting.
-Does your spouse use bad language when you’d prefer he didn’t? Does your teenager rebel against you in hurtful ways? Does your boss talk down to you? These are situations that need to be addressed honestly and not shoved away. No one can truly accept these painful things. If they say they do, it’s more likely that they’ve just become apathetic to them.
Accepting a situation or the behavior of a person means that you are at peace with it or them. And that’s the true goal with all of this- peace. We want to be able to move forward from the situations that pain us, even if they are still in our lives. Some things can’t be changed, and the same goes for people. At least not by us. But how we feel and deal with them is up to us.
EXTRA CREDIT: (still no quiz, I promise)
There’s one more thing beyond acceptance that you can reach for, if you want. Once you’ve cleared the hurdle of apathy and can accept your situation with grace, try for love. Move past the comfortable safety rail of acceptance and learn to love the person who has hurt you or the situation that you struggle in. Because, in the end, we were not called just to accept the hard things or the difficult people. We were called to love them. And that’s when you’ll find peace, for real.
Are you struggling to accept a situation or person in your life that has brought you pain? Are you still looking for peace or have you found it? Let me know what you think in the comments!
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