As painful as it is, many women have experienced pregnancy loss at least once. This post is about my recent experience, which I hope makes others feel less alone in their pain.
The silence in the room was one of the most painful I have ever had to endure.
“There’s no heartbeat,” I whisper.
“No,” the ultrasound technician says gently. “There isn’t. I’m sorry.”
Time passes achingly slow as I dress and wait to speak with the doctor about what happens next. My mind is blank, but not in a good way. I can see all the gut-wrenching thoughts and plans and dreams that died as suddenly as my baby just across the chasm of my shock. Soon they will wash over me. I want to drown in them.
This is not my first miscarriage, but it is my first in 15 years. Maybe it was hubris to think that after 5 successful pregnancies, this one would be no different. In fact, I told myself confidently, this one would be better. How much I know now! How healthy I am! I’m sleeping 8 hours a night and eating vegetables with my prenatal vitamins!
But none of that matters when your baby’s heart does not beat.
We are not alone
Statistics say that 1 in 10 women will have at least one miscarriage in their lifetime. But we rarely talk about them. I know only two people who have had miscarriages in my age group, but I wonder how many others have had them, too. How many said nothing while they tried to silently swallow the pain.
I’ve spent many weeks tentatively dreaming of this baby and its place in my life. I’ve imagined what it would look like and how it would change the dynamics of our family. This baby was a surprise that was going to upend our lives, but I secretly couldn’t wait. The challenge would be absolutely worth it.
Now I feel stupid for dreaming of anything. I feel anger at my body for betraying me. Why should I feed or let this treacherous part of myself rest when it could not care for my child? I want to run 100 miles so that I hurt on the outside as much as I hurt on the inside.
Even though I have these destructive thoughts, I know I won’t ever act on them. I have a husband who is also hurting and 5 children who lost the chance to be big siblings and helpers with this new baby. They need me even when I no longer want myself.
I know that anger is a part of grief. Just as the denial that this could be happening. And the bargaining. How I asked God to please let there be a mistake, even though I knew there wasn’t one.
I tell my children that the other baby I lost is in heaven with this one. That they are together, waiting to meet us one day. God watches over them. It soothes them as it soothes me. But even having faith and understanding that all things happen according to God’s will does not lessen the pain. And part of me doesn’t want to lessen it. I want to feel the heartache because it’s all that remains of my baby.
I wish there was a magical switch that would change this story. Or that I could go back to the day before that ultrasound when I still felt every twinge in my body as a sign of a growing fetus. When we were all so excited that I shared birth stories with the kids so they could hear their own history and one day compare it to their new sibling.
Finding solace in God and family
But we can’t go back, and for now, we have to live through this. I am so blessed to have 5 healthy and wonderful children. But that doesn’t negate the loss of this one. I will ache for it for years to come.
There is no timeframe on grief. The feelings I have are valid and need to be expressed. That is the only way to excise the wound so it can eventually heal.
We live in a broken world where things like this happen. I hold tight to the knowledge that my baby is in God’s hands and so am I. I need His comfort as much as I need the arms of my husband and the sweet kisses of my kids. Without all this, I feel as if my soul would float away from my body. Losing a child is an earth-shattering feeling. I am lucky to have a God and people whose love grounds me.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,“ plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
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Beautifully written! God bless you for sharing your experience. I know this journey is difficult and I know with your words it will uplift women who are currently feeling at a loss for their loss.
I hope that they do help someone else going through this. Thank you for your kind words.
My heart aches for your loss. I, too, have been there. Thank you for sharing with vulnerability.
Thank you and I’m so sorry you’ve been there, too. God bless.