We all have hobbies and passions that we love to spend our time on. But we also have relationships that need care and attention. How do you balance your married life with your personal passions?
It’s 8pm and the kids are asleep. I’ve got my hot tea and there’s a seat on the couch with my name on it. Under my arm is a library book that I’ve been waiting to read. For added incentive, it’s on a long wait list and due in three days.
Tonight, I intend to read until my eyes close.
Half an hour in, my phone buzzes. My husband is on his way home from work early. My mind drags away from my book and readjusts because my marathon book session has now been hijacked by my marriage.
I feel irritated because I was looking forward to guilt-free reading time. Kids asleep + house clean + husband at work = me time. But that’s looking less probable.
When he gets home, I give him and a kiss and ask about his night. He says the car is acting up and can I help him in the garage.
…
In this moment, there are many responses. But there’s only one that will leave us both feeling like me “won.”
Compromise: Finding Balance in your Marriage
You might be thinking, “That’s silly! It’s just a book.” But maybe reading isn’t your hobby or passion. Maybe scrapbooking is. Maybe you love binge-watching a favorite TV show. Or maybe you’ve been up with a nursing baby and need sleep desperately.
Our husbands aren’t inconsiderate oafs. They’re not trying to sabotage our happiness or make life harder. They’re not trying to monopolize our time.
They are, however, trying to spend time with us. Maybe they were looking forward to kid-free time with you, just as you were looking forward to that time with your favorite hobby.
Marriage is a balancing act. Finding a way to compromise so that you enjoy your hobbies and passions while also enjoying time with your spouse will lead to more satisfaction for both of you.
What an Unbalanced Married Life looks like
It’s sad to say, but I do know what this looks like. I’ve lived through seasons where my husband and I were like two ships passing in the night. Where we chose friends and hobbies over each other. Where work was more important than family time.
The result of this unbalance was a chasm between us that might have been impossible to cross if we hadn’t realized it in time. As it was, we had to make some leaps of faith and millions of small steps to reconnect.
If your marriage is going through a hard time, where your hobbies seem more worthy of your time than your spouse, I encourage you to step away from what you’ve been spending time with and shift closer to the man you married.
Remember that balance is essential to your own satisfaction and contentment. And compromise is the lifeblood of your marriage.
What Your Hobby looks like to You and to Him
Believe it or not, our hobbies don’t look the same to others as they do to us. What might seem fascinating and the perfect way to spend an afternoon might make others yawn. What makes them excited may make you roll your eyes.
The same is true in marriage. When you met your spouse, you may have found his differences appealing. You may not have liked the same things or spent your free time the same way. This might have given you a chance to branch out into new areas that you’d never tried.
When I met my husband, he introduced me to Hawaiian and Japanese cuisine beyond my initial understanding. He shared his love of cooking, interest in cars, and lifelong passion for sports.
This is great and I loved learning alongside him. But are there times when the merits of an extendable torque wrench make my eyes glaze over? Yes. Are there times my synopsis of a really amazing book I’ve just finished makes him want to ask for the Reader’s Digest version? Absolutely.
The fact is that God created us all uniquely. We have different passions and hobbies, and many times the ones closest to us don’t share them. So, remember that you’re insistence to watch your favorite show or call your best friend or get to a spin class may not make any sense to him. And sometimes, it even hurts.
When Our Hobbies Push Our Spouses Away
We’ve all heard from girlfriends about the husband who spends more time on the links than in the house. Or the wife who’d rather be on ten committees than spend one night at home.
Sometimes our hobbies and passions can get between us and our spouse, and eventually unbalance our marriages. Like the “other woman,” our hobbies can steal time, attention, and interest that was meant for the person we married.
When our husbands turn to us in bed and we tell them “one more chapter” or “wait until the show is over,” they hear “this matters more than you.”
When our husbands say they can’t make it home for the anniversary dinner you cooked because they have to work late, we hear “this can’t wait, but you can.”
Hobbies are wonderful things. They are a way to relax, a source of creativity, and a way to bond with those who have similar interests. But they should never separate us from our spouses. They should never threaten the balance of ours marriages.
How I Balance My Reading Life with My Married Life
I have told my husband “one more chapter” more times than I can count. The difference is that I now realize the cost of doing it. I know that every time I say it, I need to make an effort to acquiesce the next time.
For every marble I put on the hobby side of the scale, I need another one to be placed on the husband side. To maintain balance in my married life.
This is not in the sense of “you owe me.” This isn’t about keeping score or tit-for-tat. This is about making sure that I never unbalance things by choosing my hobbies, especially reading, over my husband more than I choose him.
As an introvert, reading is very important to me. The quiet, solitary act of entering the world of a book energizes and refreshes me, whereas everyday life seems to drain me. My husband understands this about me, or at least tries to (he’s an extrovert).
He knows that my reading isn’t an escape or rebuff of him. It’s my post-work drink, my celebratory shopping spree, and my raucous night out with friends. It’s my solace after a long day, my reward after hard work, and my version of fun.
But understanding my hobby doesn’t mean it takes the place of my spouse. Because my husband would very much like to be my solace, my reward, and my fun as well.
And he should be. Because that’s balance.
About that night in the garage…
If you’re wondering what I did that night in the garage, I decided on compromise.
I sat in a chair and read, but happily got up to grab sockets and gloves when needed. We talked sporadically and I read in between.
Did I read much? Not really. But I was glad to read some, and even gladder to be spending time with my husband while enjoying my other favorite thing—a book.
He didn’t begrudge me my reading and I didn’t begrudge him the need for company and assistance. Marriage can be like that. A gentle balance that drifts slightly one way or another, but never to an extreme. It takes intention and compassion—and compromise. But when you love someone, the effort is always worth it.
How do you balance your married life with your hobby life? In what ways have you compromised or wish you had? Let me know in the comments.
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