Have you ever been involved in an emotional affair, or know someone who has? Here are some ways to guard against an emotional affair and keep your marriage secure and intimate.
Let’s face it: most of us think that affairs happen to other people.
We shake our heads at the hotel room trysts, the late night texting, and the ludicrous web of lies that surround these individuals that make the decision to step out of their marriages and/or into someone else’s.
But what we may miss from our lofty perch atop our high horse is that affairs can happen to anyone. Anyone can make a bad choice, which leads to more bad choices until they see no way out of the prison they’ve built for themselves.
Does everyone cheat? No. Could everyone cheat? Yes. The difference between what we could do and what we actually do lies in our ability to withstand temptation, know ourselves, and know when we need help.
But while most of us can say with some assurance that we would never cross that line, we are ignoring a danger that is just as damaging. We may have no intention of baring our bodies to someone other than our husbands. But many of us have no compunction about baring our hearts.
It’s called an emotional affair. And women are more likely to participate in one than they are in a physical affair.
What is an emotional affair?
An emotional affair is defined as “high levels of non-sexual emotional intimacy in adults.” They often start as friendships that deepen and become more intimate, crossing boundaries that were meant to act as protective barriers.
The research and data on emotional affairs vary, with some saying that 45% of women admit to having had an emotional affair, and 35% of men. Other research puts the numbers as high as 91.6% for women and 78.6% for men. Even discounting the huge variance, that’s a lot.
If we haven’t experienced an emotional affair firsthand, we’ve probably seen one play out. The flirty co-workers who spend a lot of time at each other’s desks. A guy friend your married sister seems to be texting constantly. The connection your friend has with someone whose wife just doesn’t appreciate/understand/love him.
These affairs can also be found online. With more and more people working virtually and using social media, emotional affairs become easier to start and sustain. Sometimes they lead to a physical affair, but other times, they remain in the virtual world. Either way, they damage relationships.
How to Guard Against an Emotional Affair
Whether you are worried about your own susceptibility to an affair or want to help your spouse avoid bad decisions, there are ways that you can guard your marriage against an emotional affair.
The best way to avoid an affair of any sort is by staying close
When you drift away from your spouse, when space is created between you, that space can be filled by a third person.
Don’t let that space grow. None of us are attached to the hip of our other half. We all ebb and flow in life, sometimes a little closer, sometimes a little farther. But never allow that gap between you to widen enough that someone else can slip in between. Because once they do, it will be hard to excise them and close the distance again.
Guard your privacy
We all have friends we can talk to about really heartfelt things. But be careful who you allow into those circles and make sure that your spouse is always in the tightest ring.
No one should be privy to your most intimate thoughts before or instead of your spouse. Even when the topics may be hard or you don’t see eye to eye, it’s better to debate and disagree with your husband than look for an understanding and agreeable ear in someone else.
When you are speaking to someone else, ask yourself this: How would my husband feel if he heard me telling this person this?
If the answer is fine, then go ahead. But if you think your spouse would feel hurt, upset, embarrassed, or betrayed, then stop right there. Bring those thoughts to your spouse instead of that third party because that’s where they should have been discussed all along.
Never talk negatively about your spouse to someone else
This is especially important when the other person is a male co-worker or friend. Maybe it’s the competitive spirit that most men have, but they can easily fall into the anti-spouse role, portraying themselves to be the opposite of what annoys you most about your husband. And, I have to admit, that women can be similarly competitive, so men should be wary as well.
The point is that your spouse and any issues you have with him should be kept between you two. Except for a counselor or pastor, or in the case of abuse or other damaging behaviors, marriages should be safe and sacred places where you both feel you can be honest and open. Without the fear of dirty laundry being aired to the outside world.
If you are struggling with something and need guidance, take time to pray about your problem. Read God’s Word and look for His truth to lead you to a solution. It’s understandable that we look for human answers to human problems, but a God who can see all things, past, present, and future, will give you the best answers.
What if you’re already in an emotional affair?
If you’ve already gotten involved in an emotional affair, or someone you love is, the best thing to do is end it in a way that leaves no room for doubt. In a way, you are breaking up with someone, so you need to make it clear that despite how much you care for the other person, this cannot go on.
If possible, break contact altogether. No meetings, no phone calls or texts, no social media contact or emails. The sooner the affair is over, the sooner you can all move on and heal.
Because an affair is a damaging response to the emotions and insecurities of the people involved. They are searching for something, whether to heal them or hurt them because of other issues they are suffering from, and seeking out someone else outside of marriage is the action that pain results in.
If you can’t break ties, whether because of where you both work or some other reason, then make it clear that going forward your relationship will only exist within certain boundaries. This is harder, but not impossible. You will need to be on guard every time you interact to make sure you don’t fall back into old behaviors and patterns.
How to avoid an affair
Here are 5 steps you can take to help avoid an emotional affair:
- Be transparent. Don’t hide behind phone and email passwords. Friend and follow your spouse on social media so they can see your profile. Take phone calls in their presence.
- Include them. Invite your spouse to work functions. Have friends over your house. Make your spouse a part of your work and friend circles so they know the people in your life and they know him.
- Be open. If you bring your secrets, fears, and concerns to your spouse, then you won’t feel the need to search out another man who can understand you. If you still need to talk, consider a professional who can give you an unbiased opinion and Godly support.
- Avoid flirting. For some, this is an acceptable way of interacting with the opposite sex. But it’s a fine line and one you don’t want to get anywhere near crossing. Save your flirtations for the guy you promised them to for a lifetime. And if you are tempted to continue flirting, consider what makes you desire that attention from others.
- Stay close. Even if you have different jobs and different hobbies, that doesn’t mean you can’t stay close. Listen when they speak and allow them into the areas of your life that are important. Never allow the gap between you to get big enough to fit another person.
And remember: whatever happens within an affair isn’t real. It might feel real, but it’s happening in a bubble, without the real-life stresses and interactions that happen in an open and honest relationship. An emotional affair would likely not withstand the realities of money troubles, health scares, and everyday struggles.
I hope this will help you guard against an emotional affair in your own relationship or provide you with a way to help a friend who is making bad choices. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. But we can all extend the grace and forgiveness that God gives us each day to others who need it, too.
Have you known someone who was involved in an emotional affair, or were you? What advice can you offer to avoid or end one? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!
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