Allowing your teen to develop independence while still maintaining a good relationship can be a balancing act. So how do we make this transition easier?
It seems like just yesterday my teenaged daughter was a toddler. She followed me everywhere, preferred being carried to walking, and never let me use the bathroom alone.
Nowadays, her bedroom door is closed more often than not, questions are met with simple answers, and she sometimes looks at me like she can’t believe we share blood.
Ah, such is the way of the teen years.
We’ve all heard and seen first hand the horror stories of these years. Teens who distance themselves, who fall into bad crowds and worse behaviors, who can’t wait to be out from under their parents’ roof. And on the flip side are the teens that prefer not to drive, not to work, and not to do anything that will cut their adolescence short and usher in adulthood.
Is there a middle ground? One where our teens and young adults are independent yet still have a close relationship with us? Yes, I believe there is… here’s how to cultivate it.
How to Hold onto Your Teen While Encouraging Independence
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Set the foundation
Before letting your bird fly, create a foundation that is familiar and welcome for them to return to. That foundation can be the values you hold dear. It can be a place like home where no one is judged and all are safe to be loved for themselves. It can be an understanding that your teen will always be loved. No matter what.
Creating a foundation in principle or place can go a long way to encouraging independence in your teen. It can also assuage your fears about that independence. With somewhere to return to, your teen can step out in the world with confidence. And you can know that even when out in the world, they carry your values, love, and lessons in their hearts to guide them.
Allow small independences at first
When my daughter turned 13, she suddenly wanted privacy. Her own room with a lock on the door. She wanted to decorate it how she liked, even if that meant a blackout curtain that made her room look like a dungeon midday. She wanted alone time from her siblings for the first time.
At first, I didn’t want to give in on any of these. Separate from us? Her family?! But I came to realize that this first step into individuality and independence from us was part of growing up. She needs time to be herself and be by herself. If we want to grow capable and self-sufficient adults, they first need to separate themselves from their family. Even if it’s just for a few hours.
So go ahead and let them lock themselves in their room. Let them listen to music that makes your eye twitch. Let them write in a diary that you are never, ever going to see. These independent actions are part of your teen becoming an individual.
Find something to connect you
This could be as simple as liking the same show. Or it could be grabbing pizza at your favorite restaurant once a week. For me and my teen, it’s the books we read. It can be anything that connects your teen to you, creating a link even as they drift away.
This last Christmas, I got my daughter a mother-daughter devotional that we could use together. It’s a great way to learn about each other and deepen our relationship without the awkwardness of a face-to-face conversation. We answer questions in a notebook and leave it for the other to respond to. It’s perfect for this stage of her life.
Find something that connects you to your teen. If you haven’t got a common interest, find one of theirs that you can commit to. My father and I watched Beavis and Butt-Head together. It really doesn’t have to be anything special, so long as it’s special between you two.
Let go of your teen
This is so hard. But we need to let go and let them fly. They will surely make mistakes. But they will always love us and return to us. So allow them to explore their world within the large boundaries you have set. Stick to your guns if your teen is trying to jump those fences, but otherwise, allow them to freely roam.
There will be friends and relationships that draw them farther from you. But so long as you remain a steady influence in their lives, even in the background, their independence will never mean the end of your relationship.
Hold on to them like a bird, loosely and aware that at any moment, they may fly.
The foundation you’ve created over the first 12 years of their life will stand strong even in the face of their rumblings and grumblings. Fights, slammed doors, and silent treatments will hopefully be avoided. But if not, then know that loving them through this tumultuous part of their young life shows them more than words that you are a steadfast person who never wavers. They can trust in you.
With all the change a teen experiences, they need to know that someone will hold steady. And that person is you. One day, they’ll thank you for it. Or better yet, use you as their example when they raise their own teens.
Looking for more on parenting? Check out these posts:
12 Things I Want My Teen Daughter to Know
Why Raising Kids Different Shouldn’t Be Bad
How to Meet Your Children’s Needs in a Large Family
Inspirational Monday: Are We Disciplining with the Rod or Gentleness?
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