As much as we love kids, they can put a lot of pressure on a marriage. How can you keep your marriage strong even after children enter the picture?
If you’ve ever tried to have a conversation with your spouse over the cries of a baby, the demands of a toddler, or the arguments of older children, then you know how hard it can be to keep intimacy and connection in your marriage after kids.
It’s ironic that children are often born of a love and bond between man and wife, yet once those children are born, they can become a wedge between the couple that created them.
Of course, there are plenty of marriages that remain rock solid through all the ups and downs of parenthood. But there are lots of us, too, who have felt the bonds that brought us together with our spouse stretched and frayed when our kids came into the picture.
But maintaining a healthy and vibrant marriage becomes even more important when there are children.
If God is the foundation for our marriage, then our marriage is the foundation for our family. A hurting marriage leads to a hurting family.
I know, I’ve been there.
What leads to a breakdown in marriage?
First off, I’m not saying that kids are the reason marriages break up. In fact, they may be why some couples stick it out. There are a lot of other reasons that husbands and wives slowly, but consistently, move away from each other rather than toward each other.
Addiction. Infidelity. Trust issues. Health and money struggles. Lack of communication. These can all drive a wedge between two people.
But if those are the wedges, then kids are the hammers
Kids aren’t necessarily the thing that cracks the marriage foundation so much as the stressor. If there are already cracks made by some of the things I’ve listed above, then adding the weight of children on top can be what makes those cracks split wide open.
As before, think of a building where God is the foundation. The first floor is your marriage and the second is the family with the children. If there are cracks along the ceiling and walls of the first floor, it might not be noticeable until someone brings in a grand piano on the second floor. Or there’s a leak in the second floor tub that destroys the first floor. (Not being an engineer, I hope this metaphor works at least enough to get my point across.)
The thing about kids is that they are more tub leaks and grand pianos than they are perfectly working plumbing and toy pianos. They get sick. They get hurt. It seems they always need attention and help with something. They can take up an elephant-sized space in your thoughts and day, making your spouse barely visible at times.
And that’s the biggest danger to a marriage: Not seeing the other person
My marriage took it’s biggest hits not when our kids were born. Or when illness struck. Or when money struggles and trust issues started to eat away at us.
Our marriage sustained the most damage when we stopped seeing each other. When we devoted our attention to our kids and our jobs and our hobbies, leaving our relationship to stagnate. Believing it would always be there so it could wait.
I know, what a pair of dummies we were.
I mention this in a post about marriage after kids because it would have been a lot harder for this to happen without parenthood in the mix. For me especially, if I was devoting myself to my kids, then I easily forgot that there was someone else under the umbrella of “family.” And he was feeling pretty lonely.
We’ve long ago said our mea culpas for each of our failures here, but what I want to stress is that no matter what is going on, or how many little feet are scampering around your home…
Never take your eyes off of the one you married and the God who brought you together.
No marriage can remain strong without faith and hard work. And staying focused on your foundations.
So, let’s talk about what we can do to keep our marriages strong after kids…
How to Strengthen your Marriage today
-
Make time for Alone time
The days of long and leisurely conversations take a backseat once you have children. Even when you have the time to talk, you’re often interrupted. So make it a priority to spend at least 15 minutes a day checking in with each other.
Ask about each other’s day. Talk out what’s frustrating or what went well. Share dreams and worries. Reinforce the intimacy of your bond beyond that of co-parents.
-
Explain to the kids that Mom & Dad time is important
If your kids are old enough to understand, explain that when mom and dad have something important to talk about, they can’t interrupt. Then take your discussion behind closed doors or into another room so you can focus on each other.
It can get really frustrating when you need to talk to your spouse about important stuff only to be interrupted by requests and noise from your little bunch. So create a way to have a time out while the kids play quietly and you can provide support or help when something important is happening in your spouse’s life.
-
Don’t ignore physical intimacy
I know that sometimes this doesn’t feel like a priority (I even wrote a blog post about it), but intimacy is really important in marriage. This doesn’t necessarily, or only, mean sex. There are millions of ways to honor the physical feelings you have for each other even when you’re knee-deep in diapers and sleep-deprived.
Hugs, cuddles, kisses, neck rubs, hand holding, and other casual touches that make you both feel special. Don’t ignore this area of your marriage because you think it requires more time and effort than you have. And, who knows, you might find the time and energy after all…
-
Date nights don’t have to be a big deal
Everyone talks about date nights, but with kids, it isn’t that easy. Finding a sitter and paying them, or asking a friend or relative, means finagling finances and scheduling. Then there’s the date. Where to go, what to do…
Date night doesn’t have to be a big deal. It can be frugal (check out these options) or it can happen without you leaving the house. Once the kids are asleep, have a late dinner, play a board game, or work on a shared hobby. Shed the titles of Mom and Dad and just be two people who love and like each other.
-
Communicate about everything
People always say that they married their best friend. But are you talking to your spouse as you would your best friend? Sharing all the nitty-gritty details, even the things that don’t make you look good?
Communication is about sharing and it’s about trust. You need to trust your spouse and share with them the good and the bad. Sometimes becoming a parent holds us back from sharing things because we want to seem like we have it together for the sake of the family.
Think of the husband who sees the finances dwindling, but says nothing while trying to fix things. Or the mother who is struggling silently with postpartum depression because she doesn’t want her husband to know she’s having trouble in this “natural” role.
Communication can stave off a multitude of factors that weaken marriages. If vices or addictions are trying to find a foothold in your family, talking about it can help you both deal with it before it becomes insurmountable. If one of your children is rebelling, communicating gives you the chance to present a united front of loving discipline.
-
Pray together
Don’t let your faith fall to the wayside when you have kids. Sometimes our faith can become more about getting the kids to Sunday School on time than about growing together with God.
God brought your marriage together and He blessed you with each of your children. This is no time to tell Him “thanks” and then point to the door.
Praying together and praying for each other are two things that will always strengthen your marriage.
“Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12)
You, your spouse, and God are three unbreakable strands. Wound together, your marriage will remain strong no matter how many children, how many struggles, or how many mistakes are made.
How have you strengthened your marriage after children? I’d love for you to share your thoughts and experiences – leave a comment here or on social media.
Looking for more on marriage, family, and parenthood? Check out these popular posts:
Why the Small Things Matter in Marriage
How to Balance Your Married Life with Your Hobby Life
Leave a Reply