One of the hardest things about having a large family is trying to meet the needs of all your kids – while also meeting your own and your spouse’s! But there are ways to spend quantity and quality time with your kids regardless of your schedule or how many kids you have.
When I was pregnant with my fifth child, I was worried about lots of things. Will I have enough time to fulfill my responsibilities? Will there be enough money? What if this child isn’t born healthy?
But what I wasn’t worrying about was whether I would be able to meet my children’s needs in our large family.
Part of this was because all my children are close in age, so my oldest had only just turned 7 when the last baby was born. At that age, kids’ needs are pretty simple: Food, clothing, snuggles, playtime, and naps (ok, that last one was mostly me).
So I didn’t yet see how just a handful of years later, my children would need more from me than just a hug and a clean shirt.
What do children need?
The answer is: So. Many. Things. And they are all different.
Kids’ needs are individual and unique. There are, of course, the typical ones shared by most kids, such as clothes, food, shelter, and love. But at different ages and stages, you find that your kids’ needs are always changing.
We can’t assume our children will need the same things we needed at that age. And we also can’t assume they’ll need the same things our other kids needed. Even in a large family, there is plenty of room for divergence.
Meeting the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual needs of our children isn’t easy. As a homeschool mom, I spend a lot of time working on each of these areas. And I have found that for every instance where I nail it, there are five more where I totally miss the mark.
What’s most important about meeting children’s needs in a large family (or really any family) is making sure you always listen and you don’t stop trying.
Our children need us, even when they push us away. They want us even when they say they don’t. And they expect us to be there for them, even when we don’t think we have the time or the energy to do one more thing.
I’m going to share some ways that you can make time for your kids, and meet their needs, despite your schedule or how many children you have. Because having a large family is no excuse not to be in tune with your child’s heart.
How to Meet Your Children’s Needs in a Large Family
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One on one time
In a large family, finding alone time can be difficult. And somehow, grabbing one-on-one time with one of your kids or spouse is even harder. Everyone is, for better or worse, in each other’s business.
But making a weekly or monthly date with each of your kids is a great way to learn what they need and then meet those needs.
It might be that the time alone with you is enough to fill them up, especially for older kids who miss that solo time they had before the younger kids came along.
Or sometimes spending time without an audience is a good way to make space for a child to open up about something they need or that has been bothering them.
I do a weekly date with each of my children. We spend 30-45 minutes together either out of the house or locked away from the rest of the family so they know that my focus is 100% on them. I’ve found that doing this makes a big difference in their relationship with me and also how they act throughout the week.
A child who is seen and heard doesn’t need to behave badly to get your attention.
Sharing their interests
I know this isn’t always easy, but showing an interest and taking part in the things that our children enjoy is a good way to meet their need for approval and appreciation.
My kids are into My Little Pony right now. There are probably 200+ drawings on various walls in my house. Even though I haven’t been interested in these toys in the last 30 years, I make it a point to draw with them and watch the shows.
I don’t always follow, especially with the made-up stories they create, but I know they love to tell me about them. So I watch a scene or two while folding laundry. Or I listen on a walk as they regale me with their tales. They laugh when I mess up the names, but I enjoy how much they enjoy my interest.
You’ll probably never be as passionate as they are about their hobbies, but at least you’ve shown that you can share some of their interests. And that is a great way to meet their need to be seen and appreciated for who they are.
Bringing them into yours
Which leads me into another way to meet your children’s needs in a large family – bring them into your interests.
This is especially helpful if you are always busy and find it hard to carve out extra time. So fold your kids into your already-planned day.
This will make them feel wanted and also special, as you are sharing a part of yourself that is maybe not exclusive to your “mom” role.
My oldest son wants to start running with me, so I’ve agreed when the worst of the summer heat passes. My oldest likes to read with me, sometimes with two copies of the same book and the audiobook playing between us.
Find areas of your life that your kids may be interested in and share them. They will get to spend time with you and also get to know you on another level.
Listening to understand not respond
This is a tough one for me because I always want to respond. But the fact is that one of the biggest needs our kids have is being heard. They want to know we’re listening.
Not for a chance to talk ourselves. Not for the opportunity to turn it into a lecture or life lesson or all about us. They want to be heard and understood.
When you listen to your kids talk about what’s important to them, what scares them or hurts them, you are telling them that you care, that you’re there for them.
This is a fundamental need in all of us, but especially in kids in a large family who may struggle to get a word in edgewise.
So make times, find the space, and listen to your children. You will be a much better parent when you understand what’s really in their hearts.
Accepting them as they are…
… and not as you dreamt they would be.
All parents have dreams for their kids. From the moment they get that positive test, they start to wonder and hope and pray. But sometimes the things we dream of for our kids have less to do with our children and more to do with us.
Our wants, our thwarted personal dreams, and often, our fears.
But these are all about us, and they can’t be used as a measuring stick or guide for how our kids should behave or how they should turn out.
God is the creator of all, and our children are His creation despite growing in our womb. Let go of the dreams you had for your children and instead see them as He made them.
Accept and celebrate each unique aspect of their personalities. Make sure your children know you love them just as they are. Not because of what they do, or how they look, or what they might one day be.
Kids need appreciation just like the rest of us
We may think we are already appreciating our kids. We tell them we are proud of that “A” on the math test. We thank them for cleaning the kitchen up. We tell them they did a great job after the game.
But what this is isn’t appreciation. It’s recognition. And while it’s also good, it alone doesn’t meet our children’s need for approval and show how we value them.
Consultant and author Mike Robbins says, “Recognition is about what people do; appreciation is about who they are.”
We need to spend more time appreciating the kind of people our children are. Not the acts, but who they are. Tell them that they’re kind, hard-working, and important to you.
Remind them of their value as a member of your family. They are unique and bring something special to everything they do.
Speak in their love language, not yours
If you’re familiar with Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages of Children, or even the adult version, you know that there are five ways that kids receive love. They are:
- words of affirmation
- quality time
- physical touch
- acts of service
- receiving gifts
If you’re like me, you might find that most of your children speak different languages from each other, and definitely different ones from you.
What’s important here is to know which one speaks to your child and how to speak that language to them.
I have a son who is indifferent to hugs and cuddles, so I have learned that in order to speak to his heart, I need to do things with him that he loves. Whether it’s playing catch or weeding the backyard, spending quality time with him is important and what he needs.
It’s easy to fall into the habit of communicating with our own love language. After all, it’s basically our primary one and we can feel awkward and silly trying to speak another. But we can’t meet our children’s needs without speaking their native love language.
Don’t try to be their savior
Oh, moms, I’m talking to you. We are first in line to take our kids’ hits for them because we ache with their pain. But our children can only have one savior, and Jesus is already it.
We aren’t meant to smooth every path for them, or make life easy all the time. Our children need to experience their own struggles, find their own way.
Reaching victory over their hardships helps them gain confidence in themselves, and faith in God’s provision. They need these things to grow into adults who can solve problems and call on God with their own voices.
It may be painful to watch them stumble, and they may even ask for us to help them, but wanting an easy life isn’t the same as needing one.
They may struggle more or less than their siblings in certain areas. But what’s important is that they do struggle. And in that newfound strength, they grow. That is what they really need.
So pray for them. But don’t play the savior for them.
I hope this helps you better meet the needs of your children, despite being one of many in your large family. Time is less important than intent, so keep on pressing forward to love your children, listen to them, and meet the needs of their unique and wonderful selves.
Great books on parenting to check out:
- The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel
- Love-Centered Parenting by Crystal Paine
- Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas
- Many Ways to Say I Love You by Fred Rogers
- Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World by Kristen Welch
Looking for more on parenting and life in a large family? Try these popular posts:
How to Survive as an Introvert in a Large (and loud) Family
How to Inspire Curiosity, Creativity, and a Love of Reading in Your Children
Why Raising Kids Different Shouldn’t Be Bad
Why We Need to Leave Our Kids to Their Own Devices
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