Have you ever felt like you weren’t connecting with your child? Discover how to speak your child’s love language so that you can communicate with them in a way they’ll understand.
Sometimes when I talk to my kids, I feel like I’m speaking Martian.
Whether I’m complimenting my son or giving directions to my daughter, there is a huge disconnect. I used to find it so frustrating (and sometimes still do) when I didn’t get the reaction I expected.
But that’s because I was speaking to them in the way that made sense to me. Because words are important. My love language, if you can’t guess, is Words of Affirmation.
I like to be complimented. I like conversations and explanations. Relationships are built on the words we give each other. At least, that’s my opinion.
Learning this about myself helped me better relate to other people, including my spouse. But children were another story.
What are the 5 Love Languages?
Gary Chapman’s books, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, and later, The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively (with Dr. Ross Campbell) gave the world new insight into relationships and how we show love. Understanding the differences between us makes it possible for us to reach across the communication divide.
But first, we need to understand those love language differences.
There are five basic love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, Physical Touch, and Acts of Service. We all have a primary language, and often a secondary as well.
Alas, despite these five beings that came from my own body, I only have one child (maybe two) who feels affirmed by words as much as I do. So, by speaking my language to my other children, I was leaving them feeling unloved and misunderstood.
Do you struggle to connect with your children? Would you like to understand their love language, so you can speak to them in a way that makes them feel loved and recognized?
There are some excellent quizzes out there that can help you identify your child’s love language, such as this one, but finding out isn’t enough. We want to discover how to speak that language, especially when it is nothing like our own.
Speaking the 5 Love Languages of Children
Words of Affirmation
If your child’s primary love language is Words of Affirmation, then you know that what comes out of your mouth matters more than anything else.
You may have felt burned in the past when a gift received a lukewarm reception or a hug didn’t have the desired effect. That was because this child needed to hear the words.
If this is your child, they need to hear your praise and your words of encouragement. They probably light up when you compliment their outfit or congratulate them on a good report card.
The flip side of this is to remember to not degrade, insult, or speak negatively to a child with this primary language. Those words, often spoken in frustration or anger, can deeply wound your child.
One of my daughters has this as her primary love language. I’ve seen her brighten like the sun under compliments. And I’ve seen her wither under a thoughtless remark. Your words always matter, but especially to this child.
Quality Time
If this is your child’s primary love language, then be prepared to put in significant time with them.
If you have a busy schedule, cut out time to spend with them. Reading at bedtime, one-on-one dates, and playing together are very important.
You may think it’s silly when your child begs you to build a tower for the fifth time. But what that child is asking is for you to spend time with them. Quality time.
So, the best thing you can do is be there. And be present. Nothing hurts more than for you to be checking your phone in between turns while playing a board game. Your child needs your undivided attention.
My son is like this. He often wants me to put down what I am doing to toss a ball, or draw with him. He guards those moments we have together jealously, not letting anyone else play.
I can usually tell when I have been doing a good job of speaking his language and giving him the love he wants because he is more willing to share me with his siblings.
Gifts
If Gifts are your child’s primary love language, then you might have seen how holidays and birthdays really make this child’s eyes light up.
It may sound materialistic for gifts to equal love, but that’s not the case. The price doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t have to happen every day. I’ve always thought of gifts as a way of saying, “I missed you and was thinking of you while I was gone.” Who wouldn’t want to hear that?
So, whether you are just heading to work or maybe going out of town, remember to bring something back for the child that needs gifts. Receiving something from you, big or small, will make them happy and feel valued and loved.
None of my children have this love language, but I do have a child that likes to give gifts. Sometimes, the language we speak to others is also our own (or a secondary). With her, I know to put extra appreciation into what she’s made for me because she values gifts and it is one of her ways to show love.
Physical Touch
If Physical Touch is your child’s primary love language, then you know that all the words in the world won’t mean anything to this child unless they’re said with a hug.
I’m not a hugger, and except for my husband and kids, I rarely initiate physical contact. If you’re also not very physically demonstrative, then you will have to step out of your comfort zone for the sake of your child. The good news is that more than likely, you’ve been cuddling, tickling, and hugging your child since birth, so you’ve got a good start.
Once children exit the baby stage, and especially as they move toward the teen years, we may slow up on showing physical affection. But doing that to a child who speaks this as their love language can be scary, confusing, and hurtful. Your hugs, pats on the back, and comforting shoulder squeezes are all “I love yous” to this child.
My daughter, since she was born, has spoken this love language. She always wanted physical touch, loves being tickled, and would just lay on top of me. Even as she gets older, she still comes over for a hug, basically a 15-second check-in that all is well, and then she’s off doing her own thing. I’m not much of a hugger, but for her, I will always make the exception.
Acts of Service
If Acts of Service is the primary love language of your child, then you may find yourself doing things for them long after they can do them for themselves.
You may think the time for cutting off sandwich crusts has ended, but if this is your high schooler’s love language, then they may still be wanting it done. Not because they can’t do it, but because you doing it tells them how much you love and care about them.
Does your child like you to read to them? Do they always ask you to show them how to do something? Does folding their clothes a certain way make them happy?
One of my children loves to be tucked in each night. Tears will be shed if I don’t. And because this is so important, I make sure I do it. Discovering what acts of service mean the most to your child, and doing them often, will make them feel loved and cherished like nothing else.
It’s important to remember that even if you’ve figured out your child’s primary love language, there may be some crossover into other languages. Be aware of this and feed that need as well.
Overall, you should give each child a little bit from all five of the languages. They are a well-rounded approach to communication and love. And just because your child likes gifts, doesn’t mean they won’t want a bedtime hug, too.
What love language does your child speak? If it is not the same as yours, do you have trouble communicating your love to them in a way they need and understand? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!
Interested in more parenting encouragement? Check out these posts:
How to Get Your Kids to Clean…and Love it (Really!)
How to Savor the Moments Amidst the Busyness of Family
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