Is it love if we appreciate someone for their potential rather than accepting them as they actually are? Are we really loving the people in our lives if we are looking for them to change?
“I don’t think anyone can grow unless he’s loved exactly as he is now, appreciated for what he is rather than what he will be.” (Fred Rogers, TV host, author, and minister)
In the midst of a meltdown, one of my children once asked me, “How can you love me when I’m like this? You can’t!” They meant, how could I love them when they were crying, saying awful things, and slamming doors in my face. How could I accept them even in this state.
Being loved is such an undeniable need. From the moment we’re born, we seek out connection and affection. Children need to be held and cared for in order for them to grow and develop. Those who aren’t exhibit physical, social, and emotional developmental delays.
And because love is so intrinsic to our ability to thrive, it’s important for us to know we’re loved. But love isn’t always easy. Acceptance of the people in our lives, warts and all, can be a challenge.
Maybe for you it’s not a struggling child. Perhaps it’s a spouse with an addiction. Or a sibling who makes hurtful comments. Or a roommate who always leaves dirty dishes around your apartment.
Whoever it is in your life who needs your love, the first step is acceptance.
Loving someone right where they are
My child knew that their behavior wasn’t lovable or acceptable. But what they needed reassurance of was that I would still love them despite that behavior.
I knew they were struggling with big emotions, and often times losing the battle. I had to accept that we would continue this struggle into the near future. Maybe for longer.
But my love wasn’t contingent on that change. It wasn’t for the person they might grow into. It was for the person they were at that moment.
And because I accepted them in their less-than-perfect moments, they had the courage to keep trying. Acceptance laid the groundwork for them to grow.
Do you love someone for who they may become? Do you only accept them when they do the right thing and make you proud? What about when they embarrass you or hurt your feelings or make you work harder?
There’s nothing wrong with hoping for change in a loved one’s life, especially an improvement. But even while we pray for better things for them, we can’t lose sight of who they are now. And accepting them so they can feel safe enough to grow.
That’s love. And your acceptance is where it begins.
Have a blessed Monday!
Looking for more encouragement and inspiration? Try these posts:
Inspirational Monday: Accepting His Will over Our Want
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