Have you ever found yourself in in an argument, feeling disrespected and wondering how you got there? Only to realize that you started it? This happened to me, and it took some unlikely guides to redirect me…
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
I consider myself a decent mom, but sometimes parenting five kids can make me lose my mind.
I know that I have a tendency to express my anger or frustration with words. Loud words. And those words can hurt, as I learned from my own children.
One night, after one particularly long-winded complaint where I frustratingly pointed out the undone chores, the silverware left between couch cushions, and the disrespectful tone someone was giving me, I sent my kids off to bed with only a cursory hug.
I spent the rest of the night stewing on this, disappointed in myself for yelling and for not being more loving. And in the morning, I found a note beside the chair I sit in each morning with my tea.
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
This verse, Proverbs 15:1, was written at the top. Inside, my children had each written down how my words made them feel. Even the youngest managed to put her feelings into basic, misspelt words that were clear enough.
My words had hurt them. My anger had hurt them. And they were right.
I would never hit my children, but I certainly hit them with my words. I didn’t use curses or debasing language, but the volume and feelings I was expressing upset them.
Their letter was a request for gentle words. For quiet words. For calm.
They never debated my points or made excuses for what I was upset about. They knew their chores weren’t done and that respectful language to a parent was important.
But my actions and words were making them act badly. If I think back on that night, I was probably the first one to be disrespectful. I was exasperating them.
What they asked for in that letter was a change in communication. For gentle words from me, so they could respond in kind. Is that so much to ask?
Gentle words turn away conflict
If you start with gentle words, you will get the same back. No one wants to listen to someone yelling at them. So yelling to get a change in behavior (a tidier house, more respectful communication) was never going to happen because my kids were no longer listening to me.
How can I teach my children if they aren’t listening?
Getting a “talking to” from your kids is no parent’s idea of a good time, but I keep that letter. I will never forget their bravery in calling me out on my own bad behavior, or the fact that they were right.
It’s a lesson I learned because they gave me a courtesy I wasn’t giving them. I yelled. They wrote. I acted childishly. They were being mature.
I spoke from my selfish frustration and expectations. They spoke with scripture.
I cringe when I think how I let my frustrations and anger over a situation lead to me raising my voice and showing little empathy.
My kids forgave me, but I will never forget what they taught me.
Sometimes God uses the most unlikely of guides when we lose our way.
Have you lost your way recently? Who or what might God be using to bring you back into right standing with him and others?
Have a blessed Monday!
Looking for more encouragement and inspiration today? Try these posts:
Are We Disciplining with the Rod or Gentleness?
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