Are your expectations stealing the joy from your opposites-attract marriage?

Do you remember back when you and your husband were dating, and you couldn’t help but be thrilled with all the things that you had in common? He likes football, too! He loves trying new cuisines! We have the same favorite show!

And then there were the differences, which also thrilled you: He’s so motivated! He’s the life of the party! What a great sense of style! When you’re in love, everything about the other person seems great and the not-so-great things become interesting traits that just add some spice to the mix.

Opposites attract, but maybe not forever

But as time went on and your relationship progressed, a lot of those things started to take on a different tone. Suddenly the endearing inability to be on time was disrespectful. The life of the party preferred to be with friends rather than with just you. The go-getter now worked so much that date night never happened. Have you been there? I think we all have and maybe, like me, you still are.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband. In fact, I was just as thrilled as you can imagine when we met and married. The differences and similarities were all wonderful to me. I liked that we were physical, emotional, and social opposites. Yin and yang and all that. But after a few years, some of those opposites that once attracted became glaring road blocks. They caused tension and miscommunication. It took me a while to realize what was dragging us down:

The expectation of change

Expectation is not my favorite word, and this is why.

We often create criteria in our minds about how something should be. But we rarely take into account the thing or person we are placing those expectations on. So when we meet someone special and decide to build a life together, we start to expect certain things. We start to want that person to change.

And I’m not saying they can’t or won’t. I’ve seen my husband grow over the years and I know I’ve changed a lot, too. But these were things that we chose to change in ourselves to make us better parents and better spouses. Not because someone made us do it.

For example, when my husband used to head out for work or to run an errand, he’d be okay with just going. No hugs or kisses good-bye. After all, in his mind, he’d be back. But for me, I want a kiss good-bye. Every. Time. And you know what? Once I explained why I felt that way, he made the change. He may forget sometimes, but he committed himself to doing this one thing because he knows how much it means to me. But it was always his decision to do it.

On the other side of the coin, he is not a talker. When it comes to those deep, touchy-feely conversations that we women love to have because it validates us and our relationships, he is not on board. And this is not something that I think is going to change much. So when I expect him to do a one-eighty and suddenly drop an emotional monologue on my lap, I’m setting us both up for failure.

So what do you do when your expectations are putting a damper on your opposites-attract marriage?

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Stop expecting your partner to change

They are who they are and, while little tweaks and shifts may occur, the basic outline of the person remains the same. My husband is a deep sleeper so nighttime wake-ups with the kids are my domain. I wake up at a car backfiring in the next state. Would it be nice if he did a late night tuck in once in a while? Sure. But I don’t get bent out of shape when it doesn’t. Which leads me to the second thing.

Remind yourself why those differences were so attractive once upon a time

I am a motivated, go-until-I-drop personality. I’m great with a checklist but not so much on a vacation. I love how laid back my husband can be. Love that he can temper my sometimes frenetic energy with his calmer tone. Because when I’m running around the house during nap time and he drags me to bed for a cuddle, he’s reminding me what it means to simply relax and be. To be loved, to be at peace, and if I’m lucky, to be asleep.

Opposites attract sometimes because we are instinctively looking for our counterbalance in life.

Find a compromise

The goal is not to win or get your way or paint the person you love into a corner. The point is to work out something that is beneficial to you both. I’ve found that if I need to talk about something, then I need to pick my time and place. And no matter how much I want to prattle on, I keep it short. No joke, I have set a five minute alarm to keep myself on task and to show my husband that there is an end in sight.

Let it go

And it goes without saying that none of us are the perfect mate either. It helps me to shrug off the minor things when I remember my own glass house.

Opposites attract for a lot of reasons.

There are the biological ones (but being no great science mind I’m not going to expound upon that). But those opposites attract because we know that we crave the excitement of someone who will challenge us, surprise us, and make us feel like we are one whole being. The two that become one. God made us as individual as snowflakes for a reason. Embrace it.

Do you find expectations dragging down the happiness factor in your marriage? What differences have you had to deal with and how did you overcome them? I’d love to hear in the comments!

Need to turn inspiration into action? Ready, Set, Go!

1. Make a list of the similarities and differences that exist between you and your husband. Include both the ones you like and the ones, well, not so much.

2. Now circle the ones that you’ve expected him to change or still do. Are they deal breakers? Are your expectations more about your preferences and comfort than the health of the marriage? 

3. Let your expectations go and appreciate the good things. Write your husband a love note letting him know some of the things you love and respect about him. You’ll both get a boost from doing this.

Looking for more ways to grow your marriage? Check out these posts:

12 Books That Will Change Your Marriage for the Better

Why the Small Things Matter in Marriage

How to Love Your Marriage Right Where It’s At

[Disclaimer: I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. This post contains affiliate links, which means that if you click on one of the product links, I’ll receive a commission, at no additional cost to you. All opinions are my own and I never recommend anything I haven’t used myself and loved.]