People have described me as patient. They’ve even gone so far as to list patience as one of my strengths… which makes me think I must be putting on a pretty good front.
Earlier this year, I decided that patience was going to be my word for 2018. And now, as we near the end of the year, I’ve had to evaluate how that emphasis has worked toward my overall goal of being more patient.
The results are in and they are not good. In a completely unscientific look at my patience level, I have gone from the straight-mouthed emoji to the full-on frowny face.
Admittedly, there was a lot to try my patience this year. There’s been a lot of upheaval, with travel, sickness, and tension. Our family has packed and moved, switched schools, and changed diets. Routines have been upended and reformed, only to be altered again.
For a plan-loving, list-making mom like me, this was about as far from serene as I could be.
This year, I struggled mightily with patience. I raised my voice and used sharp words. I tasted the bitter regret of having spoken when I should have bitten my tongue, and the angry helplessness that comes from allowing my inner feelings to be dictated by an outer environment, one which I can’t always control.
Why was being patient so hard for me? Why was I getting so angry and frustrated with myself and the world on such a regular basis?
I mulled this over a lot. Part of me thought that if I just tried a little harder, if I just watched what I said and thought, I could be more patient. And sometimes it worked. But spending all that conscious brainpower and energy on being patient didn’t last long.
Eventually, as in at least once a day, something happened that required me to divert my patience-holding to other departments. Not long after, something else would have the steam coming out of my ears.
Once I lost my patience, I was quick to switch to frustration at myself and recriminations for another failure. Looking at this cycle helped me recognize the problem.
I gave no grace. Not to others and not to myself. And I wasn’t trusting God. All my strength was never enough, and without Him, it never will be.
Instead of allowing for the mistakes that would inevitably be made by my children, my family, myself, and even strangers who I barely had any dealings with, I became frustrated. I expected perfection when even God Himself doesn’t expect it.
Not only was I not giving grace when I and others didn’t do the right thing every time, I didn’t trust in God’s plan.
His timing, His plan, and His purpose were not at the forefront of my mind; my timing, my plan, and my purpose (according to me) were.
I was impatient when I was made to wait because I had plans or things that needed to be done. But what was frustrating me might have been exactly as God intended it to be. I just wasn’t trusting Him to take care of my day and my actions.
Was my frustration all bad then? Was I always wrong to be impatient or angry?
This scripture verse is in a different translation than I normally read, but it was exactly what I needed to hear:
“Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Selah.” (Psalm 4:4, ESV)
My reaction to my frustration was as big of a problem as the impatience that started it all. I was yelling or biting off acerbic comments that did nothing to help the situation.
I vented when what I needed to do was be silent and think about my feelings. What I needed to do was bring them to God and listen for His response, not throw them around at my family and listen to my own “truth.”
As we get closer to the end of this year, I want to spend time giving grace more than giving grief. I want to be silent instead of sarcastic. I want to trust in God’s plan, not just my own.
With God’s strength, I pray that I can be more patient each day. On my own, I haven’t been too successful. But I know that if I lean on Him, I will do more than I ever have solo.
And when I falter, I’ll do my best to be silent until I can bring my feelings to God. Selah.
Did you pick a word for 2018? What was it and how have you changed (or not) because of it? I’d love to hear in the comments!
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