When NOT to Have an Argument

For those of us who do not like to argue, the answer to the question of when not to have an argument may seem to be ALWAYS. But I am actually a big believer in arguments. In the right time and place, and for the right reasons.

Discussions and debates are the lifeblood of a good marriage. If you have no differences of opinion with your spouse, you have either married your clone or someone is still showing their best, and maybe not-totally-honest, “dating” face.

We can all remember the perfect dating days, when differences were skipped over and we were happy to go along with this person who seemed so wonderful that it hardly mattered that they (incorrectly) believed that chocolate ice cream was the best, (really incorrectly) believed that kids should get cell phones in elementary school, and (super, really incorrectly) believed that the toilet roll should unroll over, not under.

But once the honeymoon period ends, these and other more important issues begin to take on meaning. And so we discuss, debate, and sometimes, argue.

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As imperfect humans, we are not cold and logical enough to plan out these arguments for the perfect time — when the kids are out of the house, and we have time to devote to each other’s opinions, and we are cool-tempered. Unless your cyborg mate order has been fulfilled? I’m still on the wait list…

No, instead, we double-down on a bad day by whipping ourselves into a frenzy over the illogical TP placement, the dirty plate in the sink, or the lack of your favorite ice cream in the freezer (which you specifically asked for). And you start a fight when you are not feeling logical, even-tempered, or reasonable in the least.

It happens. To every one of us.

And while I am a proponent of arguments when the issue is serious enough, or the problem big enough — because sometimes a wound needs to be thoroughly cleaned and the scar tissue excised before true healing can begin — a productive fight that heals instead of hurts needs to take place at certain times, and not at others.

A few years ago, while my husband and I were going through a difficult time in our marriage, I read a lot of self-help books. Not just about marriage, but about family, faith, business, codependence, and communication. I’m a bit of a nerd when it comes to theory and so I was interested in not just things directly related to our issues, but also peripherally.

What I discovered in one such book was the idea that when important decisions need to be made, we should HALT. This is an acronym for being Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired.

Let’s look at why each one of these could hurt your decision-making abilities.

• Hungry: When your body gets hungry, your insulin and blood sugar levels drop. With a reduction in glucose, your mind loses its ability to think clearly, regulate responses, and concentrate. I know that for me, when I feel hungry, I am easily frustrated, impatient, and snappish. I am also more than willing to be mean if it gets me food faster. True story.
• Angry: This may seem obvious, but in the heat of angry, we are all ready to do battle and attack. And while that works if we are going to war, we aren’t, and our spouse is not the enemy. So taking a breather to calm down, even just initially, can make it easier to think and listen. If you find yourself saying more to the other person in your head than out loud, then you are probably still too mad to talk.
• Lonely: How can you be lonely with a husband and houseful of kids? Easily. Loneliness has less to do with the people around you and more to do with feeling seen, heard, and valued. If you are struggling with fears, insecurities, sadness, or pain, then you will have a lot of trouble looking past your emotions and seeing the issue from a problem-solving point of view.
• Tired: I think that as a mother, I have been tired since that first positive pregnancy test. But, while we can fold laundry while rocking a baby and answering questions about long division, all fueled by coffee and  a combat nap, we are not ready to take on the issues that stretch our brains and give us stress.

 

I know it sounds simple enough to avoid these things when we need to talk about something important, but it’s a lot harder in practice. Because arguments never seem to happen after 8 hours of sleep and a nutrient-rich breakfast, when we are feeling loved, cherished, at peace, and full of joy. Seriously, if that ever happened, I’d take a vow of silence so as never to spoil the moment.

Despite our best intentions, sometimes the fight comes to us. Your husband wants to know about the online purchase you made with the vacation fund money. Your teenager is ready to fight until her last breath to go to The Party. Your best friend wants to know how your other friend knows about something she only shared with you.

These arguments come when we least expect it and when we aren’t prepared — mentally, physically, or spiritually. And since we cannot prepare for the unexpected, the best thing we can do is step away when we need to and take care of ourselves in the interim.

• Get a full night’s sleep whenever possible, and nap if you can’t.
• Eat regular, nutritious meals. Take protein-rich, slower-to-digest foods over the quick fixes of candy and fast food. Keep snacks on hand.
• Maintain healthy relationships with friends, co-workers, and family. Turn to those that will speak truth to you, make you laugh, and show you love when you need it.
• Use breathing, exercise, meditation, and prayer — whatever works for you when you are upset and need to calm down.

 

Remember that arguing with your loved ones is not a sign that you do not love each other or respect the other’s opinion. But we are all independent thinkers, who have our own ideas and thoughts. Today, you might be right, but tomorrow may be your turn to eat crow.

Just know that communication and caring are the only ways to break through a tough, or even not-so-tough (see toilet paper conundrum), situation. As hard as it might be to step away until you are both feeling up to a productive discussion, you will appreciate it more when you are on the other side of the problem.

Next time you are geared up for a fight, HALT. You may find the argument wasn’t even worth having once you’ve calmed down and took a breather.

But don’t let that keep you from making up…

 

Do you have any strategies for having a “good” argument? What things make it hard for you to have a productive discussion with your spouse? Let me know in the comments…

 

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