One of the things that I am doing this year is remembering to be more grateful for my husband. To remind myself, I am filling a small notebook each day with a list of things he does that I appreciate. Sometimes the list is long and sometimes woefully short. Some days, we trip all over each other doing sweet things. Other days, we’re just trying not to get on each other’s nerves. That’s marriage for you.
But as I look back on my entries, I noticed how many of them contain food references. Food he cooked for me or for the kids, picking up my favorite snack, bringing home dinner, pointing out a new creamer I might want to try in my coffee, bringing home wine – the list goes on.
What makes these things extra sweet is that he does them only for me. What I mean is, he doesn’t drink coffee or wine or eat many sweets. He prepares meals the way I like them, not necessarily how he does. His focus is on making me happy.
In return, I often pick up something he likes when I’m out at the store as a surprise. If I’m going to the drive thru, I order extra so it’s waiting for him when he gets home from work. I stop at the gas station for the energy drink he likes. I bake his favorite cookies for no particular reason. And I like doing these things.
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Some years ago, I read the Gary Chapman book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. It divides the way we express and receive love into five categories: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. I deduced that I was a Quality Time type of girl and my husband needed Words of Affirmation.
But after looking over my little gratitude journal, I think there might be a sixth language: Food.
In our house, we show love and affection with food. The way to someone’s heart really is through their stomach, in my opinion. I use food and drink to celebrate, to console, to show appreciation, and to thank. Cookies for a friend, wine for the hostess of the party, coffee beans from Kona for my mom, and homemade hot cocoa mix for teachers’ Christmas gifts.
When I look back on pictures over the last ten years, I can even see the correlation between the stages of my marriage and food. The slightly chubbier us after getting married. From the first date that lasted so long we went out to eat twice, to the home-cooked meals that overflowed in our first house. Later, when things got tough for us, we were both skinnier than before we met. Meal sharing and date nights were rare at that time.
We shared food as a way of expressing our love. When that sharing was scarce, it was because our hearts were too hard to break bread together.
Chubby doesn’t necessarily equal happy, or skinny, sad. But, at least for us, eating well was an extension of our feelings for each other. You don’t think about the extra calories of a slice of cake when the man you love presents it to you along with great conversation..
And maybe the best thing about food is that it encompasses all of the other love languages. When you cook a meal together, you get to enjoy Quality Time. There’s lots of Physical Touch in our kitchen, from brushing past each other to kisses for the pot-stirrer. How can there not be Words of Affirmation when someone makes you something delicious? How can you not compliment their skill and the final product? When a fully prepared meal is presented to you that you lifted not a finger to prepare, that is an Act of Service. And whether the food was made at home or was purchased at your favorite restaurant, you have just Received a Gift.
In our country, we have a very strange relationship to food. We love it and hate it. We struggle with weight, have allergies, and live on restrictive diets. But at its core, food and drink were given to us as a way to nourish our bodies but also nourish our souls. We eat family dinners, we have lunch with old friends, and we celebrate Thanksgiving with a spread to rival any Las Vegas buffet.
The food is important, but it’s also a conduit for the more important relationships that surround it. That slice of cake I mentioned earlier tasted great but mostly I remember the conversation, the affectionate touches, the laughter, and the connection. I can’t think of a single bad meal my husband has ever prepared because each one was seasoned perfectly with his love for me and our children. That’s our love language and we speak it fluently in our house.
Do you know what your love language is? How does your husband “speak” it to you? How do you “speak” his? Sometimes, it can be so hard to speak another’s language when it’s so different from our own. Have you found a common ground that fulfills you both, like we have with food? I’d love to know so please leave a comment!
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