Is your child different? Or are you raising your kids outside the norm? Then this post is for you, moms and dads who are raising out-of-the-box kids in an inside-the-box world.
It’s funny how loaded words can become. My kid is different. My kid is special. At best, we think the parent is bragging about their child who is a savant. At worst, we think it’s code for there being something atypical or maybe wrong with their child.
But why wrong? When did special and different become the watch words for not normal. And why do we care so much about “normal” anyhow?
I grew up with a special sister – although maybe grew up is the wrong term since I am 16 years older than she is. She dances to the beat of her own drum, and in doing so, has taught something priceless to everyone who knows her, especially her family.
She is different and special and there are many people who will not hear the compliment in those words. They only hear the lack – lack of conformity, lack of normalcy, lack of predictability.
For a country built on freedom that celebrates individuality, America has an odd obsession with sameness.
The age of same
I admit, I live in a city that seems to thrive on conformity. From clothes to cars to jobs to schools, there is a norm. As a parent, I am even more aware of this then when I was the young and single 22-year-old who moved to Las Vegas.
Kids are dressed a certain way, if not by brand then by style. There are sports leagues. Good schools. Must-do seasonal activities.
I found myself joining in reluctantly or apologizing for not taking part. (Although, as an introvert, this is my natural tendency anyway when surrounded by overly friendly mom groups and other assemblies.)
I watched my children join in some things, avoid others. I prodded them to get in there and socialize, meet peers. Act like peers. And for what purpose? So they could fit in.
Which makes me wonder: What’s so great about fitting in?
Why do we fear our kids are different?
We bring to our parenting our own experiences as a child. It’s inevitable.
So, if we were part of the cool crowd, dressing like them, watching the same TV shows they did, talking the same way, then we saw how good that was for us. No bullying, no ostracizing, and no loneliness. We definitely don’t want those things for our kids.
And if we were at the other end of the spectrum – bullied, isolated, invisible – then we want something different for our own child. We want them to be like everyone else so no one will ever single them out like we were singled out.
But parenting in fear stifles our natural impulses. It also stifles our children.
We always hear about the parent who was afraid of child abduction, so they kept their child close to home, living in a bubble. This child either grows up fearful or rebels and takes unnecessary risks. Either way, they are altered by their parents’ fear.
But what about when we put them in a bubble of normality? Fitting in with cultural norms. Dressing like everyone else. Interested in the same things everyone else is. Pursuing a job because it’s what everyone else is doing.
Instead of growing up to be the person God created them to be, with the purpose, talents, and interests that come with it, those children are put inside a carefully labeled box. This makes everyone feel very comfortable – except the child.
What if we let our kids be who they want to be – even if that means different?
It’s a novel idea, and one I didn’t fully explore until I took my kids out of public school and started to homeschool. It was in this environment of choice that we all discovered a little bit more about who we are.
My children would rather talk about what vegetables are in season than the newest video game. They prefer PBS to the Disney Channel. They wear mismatched clothes that are comfortable because they don’t have anyone to impress.
For all the conformity I complained about, Las Vegas has a large and thriving homeschool population, which means we can socialize when and where we want. And if we don’t like someone, then we don’t see them (unlike in school, where you may be stuck with the same mean classmate from K through 12).
This is not about homeschooling though. This is about allowing our kids to be different from the norm. It’s about making a safe place for them to be themselves – whoever that may be and no matter how strange by cultural standards they may seem.
It’s the rare child who is born with self-confidence and holds on to it all through life. We all hit bumps and hurdles that knock our self-esteem. Puberty takes most of us down a rung or two no matter how high or low we were. But allowing – no, encouraging – our kids to be different, is the biggest boost we can give them.
For all the parents that are walking this road, it’s not easy. Other parents have opinions, extended family has opinions, and the mail carrier, no doubt, has an opinion about how kids should be raised. And most are not shy to tell you (or mention it behind your back).
It’s not just our kids who have to be brave about being different. We have to be brave enough to let them.
Our children were made unique. They have gifts, strengths, and weaknesses that are special to only them. Why would be want to alter that, strangle that?
This is what they were born for. Let’s let them live it out.
What I know now that I didn’t know then
One of my biggest regrets as an adult is that I cared so much as a child about the opinions of unimportant people.
Did the “cool” kids think I was cool? Did I talk and act like my peers? Was I as gregarious as my college dorm-mates? Was I like all the other moms in the mom group?
The answer is: probably not. Because I was just pretending to be what I was not naturally made to be. I don’t care about clothes, or trends, or what everyone else is doing.
I was meant to walk to the beat of my own drummer. Even if my beat doesn’t exactly match anyone else’s. Not my friends.’ Not my kids’ or husband’s. Rarely society’s.
Our kids can be raised outside-the-box and still make valuable contributions to the world. In fact, they are more likely to because they have been taught to look at the world from another perspective.
As a parent, we can shape our children. Why not do it gently as they grow until they are ready to begin shaping themselves.
Foster their interests. Encourage their curiosity. Praise their creativity.
If we instill in them the right morals and values to act as guardrails on the journey of life, they can go anywhere.
Are you raising an out-of-the-box child? What successes and difficulties have you encountered along the way? I’d love to hear about your journey in the comments!
Looking for more about parenting and motherhood? Check out these posts:
What I’m Reading… The Lifegiving Parent
How to Inspire Curiosity, Creativity, and a Love of Reading in Your Children
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