Hi, my name is Rebecca. And I’m a control freak.
There, I said it. I am a control freak. A pull-the-strings, influence-the-decision, guide-you-where-I-need-you-to-go control freak.
From where we shop for groceries (“Smith’s? I was thinking Walmart since we need diapers, too. Oh, and maybe we can stop at Sam’s Club since we’re right there…”), to how to discipline the kids (“I just don’t think that you’re explaining it right…”), to how a husband and wife should communicate (“why can’t you just answer my question the way I want you to?!”), I am always trying to control the situation. And it’s making me crazy.
I wasn’t always this way, though I’m sure there were flashes of it in my earlier days. In fact, as a young girl I tended to go with the flow, whether I liked it or not. I didn’t buck the authority of my parents (much), and in a group, I was happy to go along with the consensus.
I’m not sure when it changed. Maybe when I was off on my own, no longer living with my parents, single, and in charge of all aspects of my life. Naturally, I made my own decisions at this point and was free to make choices based on what I wanted.
But it wasn’t until I was married and had kids that I started to notice that I liked getting my way so much. The kids were easy since they were young and, really, I was the master of their domain. While they got to make their wishes known and get their way with some things (3am feedings), it was I who made most of the decisions (that’s dinner, take it or leave it). But as their mother, this didn’t really bother them. (Just can’t wait for those teenage years…yay…)
But my husband, my poor husband, has dealt with the bulk of my control issues. During the honeymoon years, my laid back spouse was happy to let me pick and choose things. Unless he really disagreed, most things were fine. And I admit, I was also happy to make him happy, so it was a successful symbiosis.
But life goes on and things get complicated. More kids, less money, more work, and less play all scuff the bright sheen off a marriage. My reaction was to double down on the control. It was all meant with the best intentions. I read books on parenting so I thought I had better ideas. I researched the best prices so I knew where to shop.
But what did all this I-know-what’s-best, controlling of situations get me? Nothing but a lot of heartache and headaches.
Because I am not in control. And by trying to grab onto what is not rightfully mine, I was getting as frustrated as if I were trying to grip a fistful of sand. The tighter I squeezed, the more that leaked out.
I am not God. And by trying to control my life, my circumstances, and others, I was attempting to take a job I was nowhere near qualified to have.
One of the cornerstones of faith is that it is based on things unseen. We have to trust in God. There is not always going to be solid, physical proof of his presence and so we have to pray and have faith. With trust and patience, our prayers are answered.
I understand this, can nod my head as I type it, and know it’s true. Yet I continually try to grab the reins of my life and make it go where I think it should go. Again, with good intentions, but we all know where they lead.
I often hear, “Let go and let God.” But I also hear, “God helps those who help themselves.” What am I supposed to do with these two seemingly conflicting ideas?
Stop. Listen. Do. These three steps are helping me let go of my vise grip on control and allow God back in the driver’s seat.
- Stop. Instead of rushing headlong into what I think should be done, I need to stop. Instead of pushing my husband for a conversation he doesn’t want to have, or pushing my kids to do one more thing, regardless of a much-needed nap, or advising a friend based on my opinion rather than truthful reflection, I need to take a minute and wait. I need to let go of the need to push and act, and instead take a breath and reflect.
- Listen. Pray and listen for a response. That feeling that makes you realize that now isn’t the time for that discussion (when the words desert you even though you never lack for words). Or the circumstance that makes you head home because that’s what you really need to do with your overtired children (the emergency diaper change). Or your opportunity to put in your two cents is cut off (your call drops).
This is God guiding you away from what you want and towards what you should do. Press on with your own path at your own peril.
I know I have in the past, and always live to regret it. Later, I’ll shake my head and cringe thinking of the fight I started trying to get my own way, or the nightmare of tired and ornery children that I had to contend with, or the friend who took my disastrous advice only to make matters worse. Pushing past the gentle prompts of God because you think you’re right and know better is, well, pretty dumb.
- Do. Take action only after you know that the way you are going is the right one, not just your own. When you let go of control and let God guide you, you will find that life is easier and far less frustrating than it was before.
Circumstances, people, and events will come along that will be outside of your control. Accept it and let them unfold as they should, observing rather than controlling. I know it’s hard. I struggle with it all the time. But I also see the difference when I let go of control and take a backseat.
I’m not just sitting around, waiting for life to happen. I head down the path I’ve been guided to, and when there is a fork in the road, I stop and reflect before barreling down whichever way seems right to me at the time.
So I do still “help myself,” but I “let God” steer me in the right direction. Letting go of control can be scary, but the reward is a much more peaceful life. Just ask my husband and kids. Well, on the good days. They may say something different on the ones when I fall off the wagon. Because I’m not perfect. That’s God’s job and I am not qualified for it.
Do you have trouble letting go of control and allowing others and God to have the reins? Where do you struggle the most? I’d love to hear in the comments!
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