Difficult talks are a part of life, but we really hate to have them. We avoid and repress rather than facing them head-on, causing more harm than good. Here’s why we need to have them and how to go about it…
Raise your hand if you hate having difficult conversations with the people you love… ah, yes, looks like everyone. Nobody wants to hear the phrase, “We have to talk.” With its ominous undertones and uncomfortable implications, most of us would rather have a root canal than a deep talk about painful things.
But if there is one thing I have learned in my own home life, it’s that we have to have difficult talks. Not because we want to, but because not doing so hurts us more than it helps us in the long run. Let’s look at why.
Swallowing it down
If there is something going on that is hurting you, bothering you, disappointing you, or making you angry, there’s a good chance you need to let the person(s) causing these emotions know. If not, how can you expect a change?
But more often than not, we swallow these feelings down, especially women. Depending on your generation and family culture, many of us were told it wasn’t okay to be angry. That we needed to be peacemakers, not fighters. And so we internalized the idea that we shouldn’t feel these “negative” feelings and so we shoved them down and pushed on.
But swallowing our emotions is like swallowing rocks. It’s a painful, self-harming approach to feelings that leaves us scratched and raw on the inside. Those wounds begin to fester and lead to other issues. Sickness. Headaches. Spontaneous blow-ups. Resentment. In avoiding one thing, we add a whole slew of other things to our plate that we want even less.
Why we need to talk it out
As I mentioned, nothing will change if we don’t say anything. And if something is really making us feel bad, doesn’t it make sense to let it out?
A therapist I know says that tough talks are like throwing up (I know, gross, but hear me out). When we’re really sick, we feel awful, but we try to avoid throwing up because it’s so icky and gross and uncomfortable. But once we do, once we get the sickness out, we begin to feel better. Difficult talks are like that. We avoid, avoid, avoid. But really we just need to have them and get it out so we can get better. Heal ourselves. Heal our relationships.
Whether it’s something your spouse is doing or it’s a dangerous road your best friend is on, having a deep and even painful discussion may be the only way to bring it into the light and make changes. And with change comes healing.
How to have hard discussions
Sitting down for a tough conversation isn’t easy, but there are some things you can do that optimize results and make it less painful. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
- Pick the right time and place. Don’t have a talk when you are busy and running out the door soon. Don’t have a talk when the kids are in and out of the room. Choose a time and place where you have privacy and time to fully address what’s bothering you.
- Never attack. If you’ve been wronged, it’s tempting to vent your spleen, but this will only cause the other person to clam up or go on the defensive. Be honest, but avoid attacking with names or accusations.
- Keep a cool head. Anger and sadness can be overwhelming, so try to breathe deeply and speak calmly. This makes it more likely that the person listening will stay tuned in. People can be overwhelmed with others’ emotions, so keeping calm while you explain your feelings keeps them with you.
- Ask questions. Without demanding, ask genuine questions about why the person does what they do? Asking why they shop beyond their means, why they like drinking so much, why they don’t help with chores around the house, can open up the discussion and let them tell their side of the story.
- Make a plan. End the talk with something actionable, even if it’s small. Maybe your friend lets you hold her credit cards for a while. Perhaps your husband promises to come straight home from work for a week. Maybe you and your roommate agree on a chore chart. Difficult talks should result in something that will help in the future.
- End on a high note. Whether it’s hugs, kisses, a shared bottle of wine, or a movie night, release the tension and show each other that there is still love by ending on a high note. Even if not everything has been resolved, you’ve made progress and that should be celebrated.
Having hard talks with the people we love is awkward and painful. But the alternative is to be dishonest with how you feel, swallowing down worries and anger until you’re sick with it. And nothing changes. Speaking truth to those we care about is an important part of relationships and even if it’s uncomfortable to do, bringing things into the light is important and healing.
Be strong and courageous, and things will have the chance to improve.
Looking for more on relationships and healing? Check out these posts:
Keeping Peace in Our Relationships
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