Parents only want the best for their kids, which often leads to overwhelming expectations. What would happen if we let go and left them to their own devices? Here’s why you should try…
Raise your hand if this scenario is familiar to you.
It’s your child’s birthday or maybe it’s Christmas. You’ve carefully chosen the gifts you know that they’ll love, wrapped them up, and now it’s time for their unveiling. You’re so excited to see your child’s excitement that you can hardly wait until they open them.
Gift after gift is torn open. Oohs and aahs are proclaimed. And then, on to the next gift. When it’s all over, you feel satisfied that you’ve chosen well and given your child the best birthday/Christmas they could hope for. With a self-congratulatory pat on the back, you leave your child to their own devices and go put some coffee on.
A few minutes later, you walk over to see how they’re doing… and find your gifts in a pile, and your child joyously playing with the wrapping paper and boxes.
You feel deflated, wondering why your gifts have been sidelined for what you were about to stuff into a garbage bag. Maybe you try to lead them back to the toys they just received. But they’re disappointed when you do and you don’t feel so happy anymore either.
What’s going on here?
Letting go of expectations
As mothers, we have a lot of hopes and dreams for our kids. Big-picture stuff about how we want them to grow and who we hope they’ll become.
But in everyday life, these big dreams translate into expectations—what we think they should eat, who they should be friends with, what they should play with, what books are best… the list goes on.
We have a lot of expectations for our kids, and sometimes, we allow our wishes to dominate our children’s. And if we aren’t careful, those expectations will smother the unique personalities, hopes, and dreams of the very people we want to raise up.
How do we stop ourselves from imposing our will on our children? And if we do, will they grow up resembling a pack of wolves? Kidding. But what happens when we let go of the reins?
The first careful step back
In the era of helicopter parenting and overscheduling, letting our children just be is scarily counter-cultural. The thought of free-range parenting may seem irresponsible and just plain crazy.
I admit that I straddle the line between both of these parenting styles. In public places, I hover like an agitated hummingbird over my kids, never taking my eyes off them. I wear sunglasses so no one can see my crazy darting eyes that never rest.
But at home, where I can be reasonably sure of the kids’ safety and low chances of abduction, I let them do their own thing much more. I will often leave them to their own devices for most of the day after we have finished homeschooling while I take care of my own duties.
But that wasn’t always the case. For a time, I would follow them from room to room, guiding their activities, planning their day to the minute, and generally imposing my will upon theirs. They were just too young to rebel against it.
Taking that first tentative step back began with nap time. Leaving my kids in their room, even though I could clearly hear that they weren’t sleeping, was hard. I’m not sure if my desire to burst into their room was because I wanted to make sure they napped or because I wanted to know what was so fun that they ignored their obvious tiredness in favor of it.
But eventually, I let it go. I let them be and learned to enjoy the quiet time to read, do chores that you can’t do with kids underfoot (e.g. wash floors), and recharge before the next round of mothering.
Leave them to their own devices
Children are a resourceful bunch. We often don’t realize this as we shower them with noisy toys, playdates, and extracurricular activities. We fear they will be bored.
But boredom is an acquired feeling. Two-year-olds don’t run around saying they’re bored. They see the world as infinitely interesting and there isn’t enough time in the day to explore it.
Older children learn about boredom from example and experience. Either they see an adult who can never sit still, is always busy and going, and looks at their phone at every spare moment. Or they themselves have been entertained by screens and constant activities that were assigned to them, so they no longer know how to entertain themselves.
For these children, being left to their own devices can feel like a punishment. Especially when screens or other “entertainers” are taken away. My children cried when I first took away the tablets. Then, they moved on. They found other things to do, and now only ask about them in passing, like an old friend who moved away.
What will children do if you aren’t in charge of their time?
What happens when you leave kids to their own devices? Well, a whole lot actually.
Suddenly, games you’ve never heard of are being played, made-up on the spot. Even single children can create these, making use of whatever they have, like stuffed animals, to play school and other games.
My kids will spend hours in the backyard playing something they call Community. This involves using chalk to make roads, assigning roles like postman and doctor, and then just living a day in the community they’ve created.
Boxes are constantly commandeered for building projects. My daughters created their own three-story doll house from wooden boxes. We have an art station that holds half a dozen art projects that are in progress.
Leaving your kids to their own devices means allowing them to open up their minds to the possibilities and their own imaginations—and then letting them run with it.
Sometimes this gets messy. It might mean muddy feet in the backyard, or paint in hair. There might be spills or dirty clothes or scraps of paper and cardboard strewn around the house.
But all that mess is just a byproduct of your child’s inner spirit being expressed. They are learning, growing, and exploring. Isn’t a little mess worth that?
Tools for leaving your kids to their own devices
Taking away or cutting down on screen time is important; otherwise, your children will gravitate toward these entertainment options without restriction. You may even want to decrease the amount of activities and playdates that are scheduled.
The open time that they now have can be filled with more child-led fun. But first, they need the tools.
Consider creating a dedicated art station for creative projects. Stock it with favorites like crayons, colored pencils, colored paper, scissors, glue, glitter, and paint.
Create a reading corner with comfy pillows, blankets, and a bookcase. Fill a box with blocks or legos, open-ended toys that allow creativity to be in charge.
Leaving your kids to their own devices isn’t just about creativity. It’s also about letting children develop as they uniquely do. Maybe this is giving your kindergartner the chance to make his own PBJ sandwich. Maybe it’s handing your kids the reins of the family garden, what to grow and how to cultivate it.
It may mean letting them choose friends that you aren’t thrilled about, but who make your child happy. Not every friendship makes sense to adults, but kids can sometimes see things in others that our jaded and suspicious gaze misses.
What’s in it for you?
Free-range parenting is also about you. It’s about abdicating your role of master of your children’s destinies, and instead taking on the role of mentor and loving guide.
Your relationship with your kids will flourish under this less strict and demanding lifestyle. They will feel more loved for who they are instead of having to live up to what they feel they are expected to be. By letting them go, they come even closer to you.
Everyone loves a mentor. They are there when you need them, but step back when you are ready to fly solo. And they are always ready to step in when you are in over your head.
I may let me kids cook, but I watch them to make sure they don’t get hurt. I let my kids climb trees, but I make sure they know I’m there if they need a hand down. Part of my job is to keep them safe, but another part is to let them take controlled risks that help them grow.
By not hovering over your children, you can now spend your time enjoying them. Spend time seeing their individual and quirky natures as the blessings they are.
You also get to enjoy more time to pursue your own passions and plans. While your kids are painting, you can read or have a friend over for coffee. While they’re exploring the local park and running through the bushes, you can read on a blanket. They may have more freedom, but so will you.
Free-range parenting, helicopter parenting, or both?
You may swing to one side of the spectrum or another. Or you may swing back and forth like I do. It will depend on your intentions, your children, and your season in life.
But consider the benefits of leaving your kids to their own devices, even if only in the safety and familiarity of your own home. Leaving time and space free for their exploration will give you all the chance to let go of expectations, grow into more independent and unique people, and form a stronger family bond.
Do you leave your kids to their own devices or do you prefer to be a constant presence in their day? Which do you prefer and why? I’d love to get your take on these parenting styles and what works (or doesn’t) for you! Let me know in the comments below.
Interested in more on parenting? Check out these posts:
How to Inspire Curiosity, Creativity, and a Love of Reading in Your Children
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