When we get married, we make a lot of promises to each other. One of them is “for better or for worse.” Here’s why we need to be our spouse’s advocate, in good times and in bad…
“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)
I got married in the stereotypical Las Vegas chapel. There was a waiting room where other couples sat giggling, holding hands, and looking nervous. You waited to be called and were then ushered into a small room that was decorated in a theme (roses, in our case) and are married by an non-denominational pastor, who leaves you with an envelope in case you want to tip him.
We chose to get married without anyone else present. We did this because we didn’t want the stress of all the pomp and circumstance, the expense, or the wait. And in a way, we wanted the excitement of taking the plunge and starting our lives together to be just between us.
Oh, and we were also young and impulsive.
But despite the somewhat unconventional wedding, our marriage was typical. Buying a house, having kids, family vacations—the whole nine yards.
Somewhere along the way though, things changed. Our marriage got rocky, our innate selfishness took over, and we turned away from each other instead of toward each other. And our marriage nearly imploded. Maybe it did.
But when push came to shove, when it seemed like divorce was imminent, we couldn’t do it. Despite the tears and the lies and the heartbreak, we slowly and intentional crawled back to each other, and rebuilt the foundation of our marriage. We did it for our kids and we did it for us.
“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matthew 19:6)
We continue to grow, continue to build. Sometimes we stumble and kick a block down, but we pick it up and try again. Despite hardships and inconveniences, despite anger and frustration, despite sadness and pain. Because balancing those feelings and circumstances are the joys. The love, the companionship, the connection. And the fact that God has joined us together, and we will fight to stay that way.
Pain is a great teacher, and I believe that God put our marriage through the fire so that we could grow as people and as one. We have both learned a lot from these experiences over the last decade and I wanted to share one of the biggest lessons I took away from them.
You are your spouse’s advocate
One of the things I have learned from these hills and valleys in marriage is that we need to be our spouse’s advocate. It is our job and our privilege to stand beside this person for the rest of our lives.
We are their protector, their cheerleader, their truth-teller, and their mirror. When we get married, we become the gatekeeper of their hearts because they have given them to us and made themselves vulnerable, trusting us to care for them.
Maybe that hasn’t always been the case. Maybe one or both of you has stepped away from your post and allowed an attack on your partner’s heart—maybe you even led the charge.
I understand. My husband and I have both thrown daggers instead of lifting shields in the past. Mistakes were made. But even a damaged and bruised heart can still beat, still trust, still try.
It’s our jobs to encourage, to be honest, to give our spouse perspective when they’ve lost theirs, and to care for them like the other half of ourselves.
Be your spouse’s advocate in your marriage
Don’t believe the worst about your spouse, no matter what your emotions tell you. Emotions change, and they also lie. The enemy uses our hearts against us, allowing us to overanalyze, create fissures in our trust, and blow things out of proportion.
Be your spouse’s advocate in your marriage by taking their side, at least in your head. Believe their motives are pure, see it from their perspective, and give them the benefit of the doubt.
And if they are wrong, after careful consideration and prayer, then you need to be their truth-teller. Advise and explain from your heart, with love and gentleness. They may listen, and they may not. It’s not our job to change their hearts; only God can do that.
So, let it play out and let it go. And never say you told them so, even if you did.
Be your spouse’s advocate with your kids
Children can both bring a couple together and drive them apart. In my marriage, I’ve seen them do both. But we both love our kids and love the family we have.
But sometimes kids can see a division and unintentionally exploit it. Maybe it’s asking one parent for something rather than another. Maybe it’s complaining about one parent to the other. It’s not malicious or manipulative; it’s just children looking for the best result based off their limited knowledge and maturity.
When God made you two into one, it wasn’t just to the world at large. It was also to those in your small unit of a family. Stand together, even against your own children. Present a united front, keep your disagreements for a time when you’re alone, and never turn your kids away from your spouse.
There will be times when you disagree about child-rearing, schooling, healthcare, etc. But what’s important is that those discussions take place between you and your spouse, not the entire family. Once you’ve come to a consensus, then you can bring it to the kids for further discussion, if needed.
Be your spouse’s advocate to your friends
We’ve all been there, frustrated and needing an ear—preferably an ear biased to us. But a rare vent session or comforting hug when things are seriously wrong is different than a constant and unproductive complaint fest.
Talking badly about our spouse does a lot of damage. It hurts the way we see them, it hurts the way our friends perceive them, and if it ever gets back to our spouse, it will hurt them immeasurably. Because what we say to a nodding friend is a lot less gentle than what we would say to the person we’re talking about.
Unless something is tragically wrong in your marriage, discuss your problems with the person who can help you fix them—your spouse. Enlist a professional, if needed. But when choosing a confidante, choose wisely. Look for that one friend who loves your spouse as much as they love you, so you know that they will keep you honest, keep you calm, and keep you kind.
Be your spouse’s advocate to the world
There will be people in this world who will look to hurt your spouse. Maybe they will see his or her struggles as weaknesses and disdain them. Maybe they will try to downplay your spouse in an effort to step between you two, a space that should never be occupied by any other person. Or maybe they will try to make your spouse feel less, to make themselves feel like more.
Regardless of who or what is against your spouse, you are his protector. Stand up for your spouse. Hold firm to them. God has united you because together you are stronger and better equipped to fulfill his plans for your lives.
Don’t let others demean or attack your spouse in your presence. Be their advocate, their protector, their shield. Not only for those you stand up to, but so your spouse can see your love and strength exhibited on their behalf. Nothing will make them feel more loved.
Be your spouse’s advocate to them
Speak encouragement into their heart when they’re down. Listen when they need to talk because what they say matters. And don’t allow them to talk themselves down. Remind them of who they are, who God made them to be, and who they are to you.
Everyone needs a cheerleader and truth-teller in their lives. You have the privilege of doing that for the one you love. And in turn, they will be those things to you, too.
Marriage isn’t easy, but it’s one of the few things on earth where you get more than you put in. The time, love, and attention you put into your spouse come back to you in so many bigger ways—their love, God’s pleasure, a stable and loving home life, well-adjusted children, a strong sense of self, and the knowledge that you are valued.
May God bless your marriage, open and soften your hearts, and guide you both toward a more fulfilling union as each other’s advocates, protectors, and truth-tellers.
How do you act as your spouse’s advocate? How has it affected your marriage? I’d love to hear in the comments.
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